After two years of trial and error, a lot of failed self-care and a break down in the doctor’s office, I finally did it.
I got medicated.
I’ve officially been taking my anti-depressants for six weeks now, and honestly? Why did I not do this sooner? I’ve been so much calmer. I don’t snap as quickly. I say yes more often. Rage is not my default reaction anymore. I can’t say that I’m happy, per se, but I’m laughing authentically again. And I think that’s really the end goal. I needed something to get me out of the hole. A ladder, a boost up to the first step. Now it’s up to me to find ways to climb the rest of the way out.
I’ve been writing again. Sort of. This is the first blog in a while but I’ve been jotting things down. I’ve been bullet journaling, and using my planner more. Turns out designing and organizing my planner is actually really soothing for me. I never look at it once it’s filled in but the process is really calming. Something about beautifying a blank space. I’ve been reading but not letting myself get completely lost in it. I want to start yoga again but I’m a bit worried that I’ll start in on some negative self-talk because it’s been so long since I’ve done yoga that I’m nowhere near where I used to be, and back sliding is a trigger for me. Also, there’s the pregnancy which makes things more complicated. I want to be able to move my body, I know it’s good for me and baby to move my body, but I’m just so tired. It’s much more exhausting to be pregnant with two kids at home than it was the first time around. So I’m taking baby steps. Learning what brings me peace and what doesn’t and acting accordingly. Or at least I’m trying to.
Maybe it’s the pregnancy, maybe it’s the meds, but this is the first time I haven’t been feeling overwhelming guilt when I take time for myself. I have a history of taking the time and then beating myself up over it but things seem to have shifted. I’m not pushing myself at 100% all the time. I can take an hour or two in my office working and not feel awful about it, and then I take the kids outside and not spend the whole time dreading it. It’s strange, but in a good way. It’s like I’m getting back to the old me again in some ways. I don’t think I’ll ever find her again fully, but I’m accepting that. Slowly. For today anyway. Like I said, baby steps.